Well here I am. 1:53am on the morning of Tuesday, January 21st. I tried going to bed early, but woke up at exactly 1am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not sure why this happens. It's easy to say it's my sleep schedule, or circadian rhythm, or whatever. But schedules and rhtyhms are consistent. There's no reason my body should think 3 hours is sufficient sleep. Oh well, let's chat.
My depression is taking a weird turn, I feel. The signs are there. I'm eating a lot of junk food, I'm not motivated to do things, the apartment is a slowly-growing mess, I'm calling in sick to work, I'm skipping therapy, ignoring personal projects, etc. But my mood isn't really... panicked? Like it used to be? Two years ago it'd make me spiral, but for better or worse I'm just kinda here. Living through it. Which I guess is an improvement, but it still feels "wrong". I think those ever-present thoughts of self-doubt keep making themselves known, and my body is expecting to react how we always do, but I'm just too tired to indulge them.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, it's stress that I create myself by putting everything off. It's frustrating to know that I do that and feel helpless to fight it. I have work projects going on that I don't feel like working on, and so they pile up and don't get done, and obviously my boss is expecting it to be done. I'm just burnt out. I'm over it. I don't care enough to "protect" my job. I want out, and it's way easier to make it someone else's problem than to continue trying my best until I have sometihng else lined up for me. It's senioritis. I need a change.
On top of the work burn-out, I'm thinking about my next move. Colorado sounds lovely. I want to be in awe of the mountains. Moving back home sounds... safe. Which isn't inherently a bad thing, and I can accept that. It'd be nice to be around friends again. It'd be nice to buy a home with a garage. But that's a lot of work, and feels somewhat more "final" than just moving to another apartment. I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. I feel like Ellensburg has given me all it can. Or maybe it just feels tainted by the trauma of a failed relationship. But that's a train of thought I can't let myself go down again right now. It hurts a little less each time I do, but it still hurts.
One day at a time, I guess.